Year 4
Gentleman, the day is finally upon us. Happy Draft Day to you and your families. After the ping pong balls have been settled, mocks have been hit, and draft boards created during work hours, the only thing left is to assemble the group of players that will determine our happiness, sense of worth, or quarter-life crisis.
I understand that some of you are members of other leagues. And yes, those are all the “other leagues” by the way. But those are merely fallback plans, coping mechanisms, or vices of escape. This is DNFG. This is something entirely different, sacred, and many times, perverted. What’s scary about this league is that we are ahead of our time in terms of our development. Sure, we may not exactly know how much the entry fee will be every year ( I think it’s $30 this year? idk). Sure, we have yet to have one last place finisher full-fill a punishment on time. Sure, our commissioner may not know how to “read”.
But hey, this league has everything you would want. OnlyFans is half of our sponsored divisions, we have a diverse group of white kids and a total of 3 different haircuts, and we have a guy named Stinky. There’s so much ahead of us, and I can’t wait to spend more time with Matthew Barry than most members of my family in the upcoming months.
If you’ve made it this far, congrats. You’re probably on the shitter right now. So for now, let’s look ahead to our league members and get a Season 4 Preview for the boys of DNFG.
Andy Brock
Strength: The Genes of John Brock and the most avid film watcher in the league
Weakness: The cover at Southbound
Make or Break Factor: Can Brock get over the playoff hump this year and make the leap into the League title game? Or is he the Texas of DNFG.
Quote:
“I’m just trying to let it rip in the draft a little bit this year”
Creel
Strength: Current Host to the DNFG Trophy & Defending Champ
Weakness: Will spend the entire cash prize on bets and Uber Eats during Week1 RedZone
Make or Break Factor: Is the League Winner Curse real? We saw a dropoff from both Crimpy and Coch N Balls after winning it all. Is this merely a coincidence, or a sealed fate?
Matt Hunt
Strength: He is One of One. A True Draft Pioneer. He takes the road less traveled.
Weakness: The road he takes sucks
Make or Break Factor: Can Matt Hunt escape the Loser’s Bracket? That’s it.
Quote:
“Last year's 9 game losing streak and missing the playoffs lit a fire within me that I don’t think the league is ready for… This is a new era for Team Starkville Hunt”
Crimpy
Strength: What Spinach is to Popeye is Nicotine to Don Crimpy
Weakness: Does not have the funds to sustain his nicotine addiction.
Make or Break Factor: Moving to Nash: With the Don moving to Honky Tonk, will this re-location restore Crimpy’s place in the playoffs, or will he get lost in a world of platinum blondes, panda dunks, and bachelorette parties
Mark
Strength: Drafting a roster of boys that are just as strong, handsome, and happy as him
Weakness: Trading those players recklessly
Make or Break Factor: Can Gosney build on last year's playoff appearance and take the franchise to another new height? Or was it all just a dream?
Quote:
“Last season was a major upswing for me, If trends continue then a realistic goal for Gos' Goon Squad finishes in the top 5 for the year. Looking forward to some bad trades, hmu right after the draft.”
Dan
Strength: Unpredictability. There is no pattern, rhyme or reason to his actions as a GM, or a man for that matter.
Weakness: Will trade most of his players for a smoked sausage and cheese plate
Make or Break Factor: The #1 Pick. Will Dan finally do the expected and take JJ? Will he surprise us? Will he trade the pick? There’s just nothing we know for sure out of Camp Martin for tonight.
Quote:
If commissioner Bob cannot protect players from themselves we will have to unionize. Last season I fell victim to a trade that David Stern surely would have vetoed. All the years watching Tom wear that Patriot logo blinded my eyes to the raw talent of AJ Brown as I discarded him for a washed up Belicheck hammy down running back. We need a commissioner who is in our corner and if that is too much to ask then all other options will have to be explored.
Bob
Strength: His Grandad has met every person that has ever lived in Tennessee
Weakness: Getting lost in 5+ player trades. Don’t be surprised if Bob does a full roster swap if he starts getting nervous early this year.
Make or Break Factor: Bob is living without Brock for the first time since the housing market crash of 2008. Is Melo enough to cope Bob at home after a rough loss, or will Bob find an Andy sized hole in his roster this year?
Quote:
“Year four is gonna be a whole different animal, good luck boys you’ll need it”
Hud
Strength: Owning Mental Real Estate. Just ask the boys of Summit Hill about last year
Weakness: The IRS
Make or Break Factor: Auto-Draft Hud: We saw Hud reach new heights both in record and as a first time Auto-Draft Team. Will he make his own picks this year or continue the rise of AI?
Stink Job
Strength: Conservative and Calculated. The analyst in him does not take the bait of bad trades, and he consistently drafts well.
Weakness: Does not take the big chances on trades. Stinky likes ‘em steady and sturdy. Another weakness, a foot long chili coney from Sonic.
Make or Break Factor: Will Stink rely on his draft and gut to survive him through the year, or will he mix it up this year and take a couple pages out of the “ The Art of the Deal”. Stay tuned.
Neece
Strength: Vast knowledge of most Geo-political crisis in Europe and the Middle East
Weakness: Only capable of drafting Daniel Jones and Joe Mixon.
Make or Break Factor: First season as a GM and married man. Will this newly found matrimony fuel a playoff debut? Now that Neece is playing for more than himself…
Baby
Strength: Momentum from the greatest season turnaround in the history of the league
Weakness: Staying up Late
Make or Break Factor: “The Neece Dilemma”: Will Baby allow his family and the upcoming wedding to get in the way of something truly important….a fictional divisional crown.
Davis
Strength: Divisional Dominance and ability to wake up at 4AM for the Weekly Waiver Wire
Weakness: Tee Higgins
Make or Break Factor: Moving to Memphis: With a new job and a new city. Hatmaker now finds himself in a new home and new time zone. How will this title hungry competitor adapt to his new environment?
Sew
Strength: He can see alllllllll the way up there!
Weakness: Has an App folder that is just Vanguard and Online SportsBooks Make or Break Factor: With only 4 teams in each division, will there be room for 2 Papas to make the playoffs from the same division? Or is there just one man of the house?
Nayr
Strength: Vast Draft board knowledge and is untraceable on the Hanna’s dance floor
Weakness: Most Unlucky player in the League. Nayr might be the best worst GM in the league
Make or Break Factor: Nayr needs a strong start to the season. The last two years he’s started in a hole, so look for the GM to push full steam ahead in the first 4 weeks.
Conner
Strength: That boy Zonn just nice with it. Straight up.
Weakness: He’s itty bitty and he looks like shit with orange hair
Make or Break Factor: Will we see the same old, losers bracket Zonn? Or will we see Aarron and Zonn both get settled in the big apple, finally fulfilling the prophecy of Zonner Rodgers
Jeff
Strength: Has a desk job where you can actively research fantasy and no one knows about it
Weakness: Blondes/Brunettes/Redheads/ occasionally a whale or two
Make or Break Factor: This year, Jeff needs to prove that his title season was not a fluke after all. He’s got to find the playoffs soon otherwise that banner will collect more and more dust.
Harwell:
Strength: Playoff Experience
Weakness: Kicked out of the league
Make or Break Factor: Will he yell at Bob at the A&M tailgate?
That is all for now men.
I look forward to the draft, this upcoming season, and complaining about the trade deadline with all of you.
Until next time,
Daniel Seward
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