Prognosticators,
Tonight, unfortunately, marks the final update of our 2024 Porch Madness Bracket Pool. It was a wonderful NCAA Tournament this year, and we had some terrific Prognostication from across our group. Let’s find out who finished on top!
The Games
Ironically, I had to record Purdue vs NC State because I was at a wedding where the groom was from Indiana! I know, and the bar sucked too! At any rate, the Jimmy V Part II run for the Wolfpack came to an end at the face of Mount Edey. Final Score: Purdue 63, The Pack 50.
Alabama gave UConn perhaps the best run for their money of the entire tournament in game two. Jake “Hunting for Life” Simpson, who could only defeat Bob if UConn won, could only look on with teeth gnashing and sphincter tightened. But in the end, the Huskies came through. Final Score: UConn 86, Crimson Tide, 72.
The National Championship
UConn vs Purdue, one seed vs one seed, two great teams that play a shocking number of white guys. Mount Edey, images of whom draining jump hooks and free throws will terrify me for the rest of my life, gave a valiant effort with 37 points and ten rebounds. But the other Boilermakers couldn’t give enough, shooting just 1 for 7 from three as the Huskies finished strong with great plays from Tristen Newton and Cam Spencer. Final Score: UConn 75, Purdue 60.
The Picks
Jake “Hunting for Life” Simpson was crowned this year’s Champion with a final score of 1260 points. Like many, Jake took favorited UConn to win it all, but he made great picks in the earlier rounds to cement a lead over his fellow Huskies. Ders and Yours Truly finished second and third with 1160 and 1150 points, respectively.
Jake’s only comments after the game were to thank us for the opportunity and politely provide us with his Venmo. Jake, you’re a true gentleman. Bob would’ve undoubtedly told us all to suck his cock.
Potpourri
In the Battle of the Mississippi River, the West rallied to beat the East 795 to 762.7. The rally for the Cowpokes was led by Dan and Ders, who both took UConn to win it all.
In the Battle of the Bourgeoisie and Proletariat, Public School grads held on to win 778 to 766.4 despite a strong final round from Private School grads. I’m sure we’ll get creamed in the Masters pool.
With this year’s tourney, we have our first official Individual Rivalry Competition. Jayden “Farch Fadness” Saunders, who is not a basketball fan, told me he entered the competition with two goals: win the whole thing, and if not, at least beat his friend and fellow podcast host Daniel “Papa” Seward. Well, year one goes to Ders, who finished second in our tourney and beat Sew 1160 to 400. I implore you all to suggest ideas for payment to Ders from Sew.
Finally, as I shamefully seem to report every year, my wife once again kicked my ass in March Madness picks. She in fact, would’ve beaten all of us as she finished with 1360 to my 1150. She relied less heavily on team colors and “vibes” this year but reports that these were still primary factors. Up yours Ken Pomeroy.
As Andy wrote in our group message last night, March Madness is the best time of the year. I am already looking forward to another year of Cinderellas, Buzzer Beaters, and asking God why I love Atlantic Ten 12 seeds so much.
With newfound hope that one day I’ll win money in this stupid thing, I remain yours,
Neece
Now Venmo Jake you degenerates.