The Games
On Wednesday night, many pundits and prognosticators (including Yours Truly) would’ve said that the SEC might have the best overall chance, of any conference, to win a National Championship. Two days later, two Dixieland heavyweights have fallen.
First, on Thursday, three seed Kentucky shockingly fell to fourteen seed Oakland. The Golden Grizzlies were led by Jack “I’m also a host at a local Chile’s” Gohlke, who scored 32 points including ten threes over future NBA lottery picks. If Calipari really is Sicilian, he better hope his cousins took Oakland +13.5, or else it’s Whack Time.
Then, on Friday, four seed Auburn somehow lost to thirteen seed Yale in a wild finish. Down two points and at the foul line with six seconds left, Auburn missed both free throws, then got three offensive rebounds, then proceeded to either miss or get blocked on all three ensuing shot attempts until time expired. Yale’s coach was asked by that drunk sideline reporter chick after the game what he said to his players in the huddle before that sequence. He said, “stay composed.” They most certainly fucking didn’t buddy, but hey, Survive and Advance.
The Picks
Exiting Round One, Bob “Cactus Jack My Bracketoff” Griffin is our leader with 250 pts. In a three-way tie for second are Logan “Doogie420” Daws, Yours Truly, and John “I’m about to BUST” Creel. Good God, why am I writing this on my work computer.
While the Saint Mary’s and Wisconsin losses undoubtedly hurt some folks, the UK and Auburn impacts are the biggest. Stephen “Stinky” Oliver took UK to win it all, and Cole “Baby” Wilder took Auburn to win it all. Beyond that, eight total prognosticators had either UK, Auburn, or both in their Final Four.
Poutpourri
In the Battle of the Mississippi River, prognosticators in the West (210.0 avg pts) holds a slight lead over prognosticators in the East (204.0 avg pts) entering round two. The West’s lead may be attributable to legitimate “East Coast Bias” on the East’s part: Schools west of the Mississippi went 9-4 against schools east of the Mississippi in round one.
In the Battle of the Bourgeoisie and Proletariat, public school graduates (222.0 avg pts) hold a commanding round one lead over private school graduates (199.3 avg pts). The lead would honestly be bigger, but Jeff (190 pts) is frankly weighing us down like a shitty standardized test score. That’s okay Jeff: No Child Left Behind, buddy.
Andy “Brocketology” Brock and Daniel “Papa” Seward currently sit atop the Jim Nantz’ Shit List (aka last place) with 180 pts each. Despite the tough first round, Brock still has hope: he has a max score of 1480 and is one of only two entrants who picked Purdue to win it all. For Papa, the picture is grimmer: he has a max score of 1140 and picked St. Mary’s and Auburn to the Final Four. Reportedly, Papa is recovering from the tough round with dark liquor and Vols future bets. Good man.
Woefully awaiting one of my teams to burn in flames, I remain yours,
Neece
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