Prognosticators,
I thank you for your continued patience as our writers and statisticians compiled Sweet Sixteen and Elite Eight results over the past few days. Over the last five days, brackets were busted, dreams were crushed, irrational pleas to the Almighty were offered, and all the while, that Gigantic Clydesdale in a Purdue Jersey just stood inside the three-second lane and elbowed brave men into the second row in between a few hundred trips to the free throw line. But more on that later. Part ONE of our two-part Special Newsletter begins with the Sweet Sixteen.
The Games (Part One)
Our Sweet Sixteen began with the common theme in this year’s tourney: UConn beat the absolute crap out of someone. The Huskies beat San Diego State 82-52 and outrebounded the Aztecs 50-29. Would any of these games be good?
As it turns out, the next three games were all classics. First, Grant “Name Five Brothers” Nelson and the Alabama Cremson Tide upset one-seeded North Carolina in an 89-87 roller coaster, using the teamwork and concentration that Nate Oates teams typically only use when conspiring to commit murder. Next, Clemson shocked the world again and sent two-seed Arizona packing, 77-72. Finally, Doogie’s Fighting Illini of Illinois held on to defeat Iowa State, 72-69.
But as good as Thursday’s evening slate was, Friday’s games are perhaps even more relevant to our prognosticators, because SIX brackets in our pool saw their pick for National Champion go down. In the game we all watched, Dalton Knecht outscored his evil awesome white guy twin Baylor Scheierman as our beloved Vols defeated Creighton 82-75. But just as the Vols were entering crunch time, Jared McCain was probably doing one of his little pissant TikTok dances, because the Duke Blue Devils took down one-seeded Houston, 54-51.
The Picks (Part One)
I alluded to it above: the Sweet Sixteen was Bloody Sunday for our bracket pool. Marc (Arizona), Matt and Conner (Creighton), and Daniel, Davis, John and Charlie (Houston) all saw their National Champ defeated. Not to mention the even larger number of prognosticators who had Arizona, North Carolina, Houston, Creighton, or Iowa State in their Final Four. And when the smoke cleared, lo and behold: Our top three prognosticators were three of the four new entrants! Jake “Hunting for Life” Simpson led the pack at 620, followed closely by Logan “Doogie420” Daws with 610, followed closely by Jayden “Farch Fadness” Saunders with 600. I’d tell the rest of you that Bob and I should apologize. But then again, we hurt no one more than ourselves, as we were tied for fourth.
Potpourri (Part One)
I sent the results of the Potpourri in via text on Saturday, but for Posterity, here they are:
In the Battle of the Mississippi: East 512, West 495.
In the Battle of the Proletariat and Bourgeoisie: Public School Grads 554, Private School Grads 492.1. Church leadership has still not responded to the copies of the results I had mailed to CAK and ECS.
And finally, Andy Brock was atop Jim Nantz’ Shit List with 380 points. Somewhat poetically (or cruelly) Brock was only 20 points behind the man who beat him to the Money last year, as Papa Seward was still pissing Nantz off with just 400 points.
Chris Berman doing a Transition Voice
But that was just through Friday, and wiser Swamis than this one have said “a lot can change in two days.” Well, did a lot change? To the Elite Eight we go!
The Games (Part Two)
UConn had looked dominant through three games in the tournament, but many would’ve thought that Illinois would prove more of a challenge. Well, many were wrong. UConn continued to roll, scoring thirty (yes, thirty) points in a row against the Illini and winning 77-52. Dan “That Dad You See Spanking His Kids Way Too Hard at the Grocery Store” Hurley appears hell bent on winning a National Championship, and I’m not sure anyone can stop him.
But now, unfortunately, I must turn to our beloved Vols. Tennessee Purdue was the battle on everyone’s mind on Sunday. Unfortunately, it will be the last time we watched Dalton Knecht in Tennessee Orange. Purdue, and that ornery Clydesdale that they taught to shoot free throws and stand inside the three-second lane, were too much for the Vols to overcome. The Vols had a better three-point percentage, more assists, more steals, more blocks, and less turnovers. But they had 11 free throws to Purdue’s 33, most of which went to that Big Ugly Horse. The Clydesdale followed this performance by saying the f-word on national television and explaining how he was “overlooked” at little-known IMG Academy and forced to attend also-apparently-little-known Purdue University (nice plug for your Program)? Whatever. I am proud of our Vols and their historic run.
The Picks (Part Two)
Jake remains our leader with 780 points after correctly picking both UConn and Purdue. In second is Stephen “Stinky” Olliver with 700 points. Many left Stinky for dead after his national champ pick (Kentucky) fell on the first night, but after a strong Sweet Sixteen and Elite Eight, he finds himself on the podium. Good picking, Stinky! Ders remains in third with 680 points. Ders may be kicking himself for taking his alma mater to the Final Four – he could’ve taken the lead from Jake if the Vols had beaten Purdue.
Permutations and Possibilities
If UConn beats Purdue in the National Championship, Jake wins with 1260 points.
If UConn beats NC State in the National Championship, Jake wins with 1260 points.
If Alabama beats Purdue in the National Championship, Bob wins with 830 points.
If Alabama beats NC State in the National Championship, Jake wins with 780 points.
If Purdue beats UConn in the National Championship, Bob wins with 1150 points.
If Purdue beats Alabama in the National Championship, Bob wins with 1150 points.
If NC State beats UConn in the National Championship, Jake wins with 940 points.
If NC State beats Alabama in the National Championship, Jake wins with 780 points.
Potpourri (Part Two)
In the Battle of the Mississippi River, the East leads the West 592-555. It appears that the East has this wrapped up since Bob and Jake have by far the most available points. Better luck next year, Cowpokes.
In the Battle of Proletariat and Bourgeoisie, the Public School Grads still hold the lead 618-572.1, but not so fast! There are a lot of points remaining on the board, and I believe the Private School Grads can take the lead under several different Permutations.
Finally, Jim Nantz’ Shit List is a wrap. Papa Seward, who won the whole dang thing last year, is in last place this year with 400 points and no more chances to score. March is Mad, Papa. Better luck next year.
In the age of auto calculators and open AI, you may be asking why I write these newsletters. Is it my love of Basketball? Love of gambling? Love of friendship? No – the answer is much simpler boys. I’m just kind of a dick.
Phallically Yours,
Neece