It's back.
Normally, in the opening to a new season, I would want the first article to artistically invoke the summary of our thoughts and emotions on the long awaited return to the peak of sports. Like a Masters commercial in March. But we are not Augusta. We would never let Dude Perfect shit on our reputation. We are something entirely different. We are DNFG Football.
Let's begin.
As we look to the season, myself and Sr. Correspondent, Bennet Erving Neece, want to properly prepare you for tonight's draft and the season to follow. Even though we are two years into the league, we already have a base of identity, team culture, and GM habits. I have crunched the numbers, connected the dots, and tucked Ders in bed. Here are my findings.
Here are all 16 General Managers of DNFG and their real life coaching comparison.
1. Jeff Cochran
Real Life Comparison: LSU Football
Last year's champion, Coach Cochran is skilled in drafting and managing an elite roster and has proven the ability to put together a championship run that feels meant to be. Like LSU Football, he can elevate his game and rise to the occasion of a title. But also like LSU football, Jeff is capable of going 11-12 after a title, and being asked to step down as coach after hooking up with a local student.
2. Stephen Oliver:
Real Life Comparison: Derrick Rose
He's got the total package of a league winning coach: the talent, the competitiveness, and that it factor (stink). But Coach Oliver had the high potential of last year's roster plagued by injuries. Like a young D-rose, we'll never know how far that team could have gone. Look for Stink job to make noise in this years draft and put his analyst background to use for trades. Like Rose, if Oliver overcomes some bad luck, he'll find a new garden for a long awaited blossom. Peeee-yeeewwwwww.
3. Andy Brock:
Real Life Comparison: Dallas Cowboys
They're supposed to be good. They certainly seem the part of a contender. This is America's team and there is nothing more American than the face of Andy Brock. But are the lights simply to bright in T-town. Andy needs to forget the glory days, and focus on creating his own journey. Brock has the knowledge, the commentary, and passion needed for a winning coach. Let's see if Brock can retire his inner Romo, for a younger, hungrier inner Dak.
4. Matt Hunt:
Real Life Comparison: Billy Beane
There is an unspoken way that GMs draft their teams. They pick players for the allocated position spots. That's it...But not for Matt Hunt. Our very own Billy Beane has been writing his own sequel to MoneyBall, and has shown that he is willing to ignore the norm, and draft zero RBs. Is there a method to the madness?, or is all the charading just a Jonah Hill sized distraction. Look for Matt Hunt to take his formula to the next level and make his first playoffs.
5. Crimpy:
Real Life Comparison: Joe Flacco
There is one question that keeps floating around the league, "Is Crimpy elite"? The former champ has proven that he's capable of putting together a hallmark season ending with a ring. But was it all a fluke? After a slow start to last year's season, the team sacked former Coach Hunt and replaced him with a Mr. Don Crimpy. Now that he no longer has the comfort of a loaded roster, can Crimpy finally silence the haters? Or will this be the beginning of the end.
6. Papa Creel:
Real Life Comparison: Brooklyn Nets
There is no team in the NBA that generates more headlines than the Nets. And there is no Team that makes more buzz, more moves, and more trades than Papa Creel. Creel has a talent for luring stars to his roster, but theres been some trouble in paradise with these A-listers. If like the Nets, Team Creel's players agree to honor their legally binding contracts, they could be back in the playoffs for a third straight year.
7. Ryan Neal:
Real Life Comparison: Marshawn Lynch
The bad boy of the league, a man on the lam. "I'm just here so I don't get fined". Team Nayr embodies what it means to be Marshawn Lynch. You can't understand his strategies, so don't waste your time trying. Nayr like Lynch is a silent killer, both to the league, and to himself. Look for Ryan to bounce back this season after a HQ change to the ATL. But first, Ryan needs to find a new path and it may have to start, with a Lemonade Stand.
8. Daniel Stewart:
Real Life Comparison: Butler Basketball
Neece calls me the cursed Buffalo Bills, but I think of myself more fondly. Stewart like Butler, trains quietly in the Midwest all year to beat more talented rosters. A strong presence in the regular season, Steward has unfortunately done the unthinkable, losing back to back titles. Crimpy was my Kemba Walker, and Jeff was my Shabazz Napier. Look for Seward to implement a new mentality (Mormonism), as he vows to break the curse.
9. Daniel Martin:
Real Life Comparison: Tampa Bay Bucs
I wanted to pick something else less obvious, but this is the right answer. Both Dan and the Bucs front office have the same strategy. Draft Tom Brady and whoever he fucking throws to. While all of us spend the offseason in mocks and listening to Matthew Barry. Dan is spending the offseason the TB12 way. Watching the masked singer and staying tan. I would compare playing Dan and seeing the Bucs roster in the redzone as the fantasy version of a solar eclipse.
10. Davis Hatmaker:
Real Life Comparison: Kirby Smart
Fiery. Coach Hatmaker was given many gifts from the Lord. A built in microphone is just one of them. Hatmaker doesn't want to hear about your rules, your league entry fee, or your trade trade request. He is spending his time looking for that last puzzle piece to complete the title picture. It's not a matter of if Davis finds his Stetson Bennett, but when. So let's delay it as long as possible, and keep a visor out of reach.
11. Conner Deck:
Real Life Comparison: France during both World Wars
The pursuit of the arts, the craft of a morning coffee, and the lack of negotiation skills, Team Zonner's roster, and overall clutch-ness, is similar to that of our Allied friend in the first half of the 20th century. Conner seemingly signs his own weekly Treaty of Versaille with trades that shake up the league's roster and emotions. Beyond that, Zonner's squad has allowed oppositional victories as easily as German tanks entering the border. But there is hope... Zonner has a chance of his own Renaissance with this year's #1 overall pick, hoping he can show the league, that anyone can cook.
12. Commissioner Bob:
Real Life Comparison: Rick Barnes
The Commissioner is no stranger to drafting and regular season success. While making the playoffs the last two years, he has yet to earn a post-season win. It's hard to deny the vision and quality of player development, but at the some point, the old bird has to win the big one or he'll have to hang up the headset for good. He has shower beers on the daily, but Bob still chases a locker room champagne shower of his own.
13. Baby:
Real Life Comparison: The Seattle Sonics becoming the Oklahoma City Thunder
(*Cowherd voice) In year one, Baby was like the Sonics. He enjoyed playing in the league, being around the guys, but ultimately couldn't do a lot with an un-memorable roster. But then Baby got the hell out of Seattle. He sold Clifford the truck and started playing Thunder style. All of a sudden a casual matchup vs Baby has you guarding KD, Harden, and Westbrook all at once. He earned his standing in the league, and is hoping a corporate move to Denver brings a city parade with it.
14. Mark Gosney
Real Life Comparison: The New York Knicks
It's the biggest city. He's the biggest boy. Gosney turned heads at last years draft by compiling a highly projected roster out of nowhere. He's got the right instinct, but the strategy and luck, has to change. It's no secret, when the boys can't sleep at night and they need a fix, they send a trade request to Gosney. In order for Gosney to make the playoffs, he needs to nail another draft and shut out the Stephen A Smith criticism
15. Hudson Anthony:
Real Life Comparison: Patrick Beverly
Tongue out, running on Vyvanse, and smack talking. That's the intensity that Hud brings to the league. Our very own Patrick Beverly and a stranger to the Playoffs, by his confidence you'd think he was defending a tittle. There is no doubt the mental toughness is there, but for Hud to take the next step, he's get to win his own play-in game, and start walking the walk. Look for Hud to come out swinging.
16. Bennett Neece
Real Life Comparison: John Gruden
The Old Soul. If Neece had it his way, the WR position would be removed entirely. He'd have 2 QBs, 2 RBs, 2 FBs, and 3 TEs. Leaning on strong backfield play each of the last two years, look for Neece finding this year's RB anchor in tonight's draft. With an upcoming wedding this season, some are questioning his ability to focus this year. Whatever happens, look for Neece to forget his playoff drought and delete his emails.
Honorable Mention:
Will Harwell
Real Life Comparison: Steve McNair
Daniel Seward
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